How do I shed my past self?

                                                                               I ran.

I left everything behind me. Everything I'd known, cared for and methodically built. I ran from all of it. Because I could feel my lungs get heavy with every breath I took to try and make okay the fact that everything stayed the same. That I was running in place. That I didn't know how to stand again after being torn down so many times. It was masochistic, insane. So I left. I ran from all the things that had brought me down, all the things and people I had to succeed in spite of. I'm tired of resiliency, all I want is peace. You can call it cowardice or bravery. If this world has taught me anything its that one is as true as the other. We see what we want to see of ourselves and what we want to believe of others. Its the only way most know how to deal with the turmoils that are accompanied by reality. But no matter how you label my actions all I know is that I could no longer bare the life I'd been living. so I ran.


Now I'm at my destination and happiness is not as attainable as I believed. I'm still left asking myself; How do I begin again? I need to make a change, yes, but how? Wasn't uprooting my life enough? I'm here. What steps do I take? where do I go? who do I talk to? My soul is so tired, I'm not sure I can do this by myself. I don think I can do this being myself. This self. Maybe the change of scenery alone wasn't enough. Maybe its me, maybe its time I be who've always needed me to be. Who ever she is.


Because I'm tired of bleeding for others and using my compassion as a form of self-destruction. I'm tired of pouring myself in to ungrateful, insatiable voids and calling it love. Tired of persisting through unforgivable acts in the name of unconditional support. My soul is so tired. It's hard to see how best to take advantage of this new opportunity. I've been surviving for so long I have no idea who I am now that I have the chance to reinvent myself. But this silence has only taught me to scream, to run without an idea of where I'm headed, to question everything to the point where I'm not sure what resonates with me anymore. To see that for the first time I can be who I want to be not who Ive been told I am. And I have no idea what to do with that.