One day a wish becomes a decision

I was sitting in my living room in an apartment that I loved in my hometown of San Juan in the enchanting island of Puerto Rico. When the sunset started and that was my queue. Like clockwork I took the leash and went to walk my golden wired haired dog, Rowdy. We went through the streets we'd walked a billion times walked up and down the board walk next to the beach as we'd done every afternoon since I found my independence. The brine dancing and reflecting the rose colored light as I took it all for granted while I kept going through all the problems and stress at work, money issues, the state of the island and how if I wanted to have any sort of stability or future like I'd envisioned for myself I simply couldn't afford it and I didn't know when or even if I would at some point. Which made me loop right back to work, work problems and money problems and so on, indefinitely. In other words, yet another day in a millennial's head. As I'm dizzy from the loops and waves of my thoughts pulling me under, one of the last rays of sun caught my eye and brought me back to reality and for the first time in about 10 minutes I breathed. I looked at the horizon, the water, smelled in the salt, felt the breeze blow and heard the trees around shush my thoughts for a second and just a second was enough for me to acknowledge that this was an amazing part of my life. It really was. I had everything I had wanted and now as any normal person I wanted to move to the next part of my life but that was my issue. I kept trying to break that barrier kept trying to make something work that just wouldn't. I was at my wits end because I had literally tried everything I could think of to try and achieve that next stage but every time there'd be a road block, a hard stop and I was running out of ideas and quite frankly motivation. And then a familiar thought came up "what if it hasn't worked here because there's more for me out there" a thought I'd have about a trillion times I have the pinterest boards as evidence. It was usually after every break up, every bad day and it certainly was one of those something's "I will definitely for sure do" but just "much later". But "what if much later was finally now?" and for the first time in the million times that I'd gone through this thought process I found myself full of energy, nerves and excitement and I thought "Yes, I need to do this. I need this now." and I stopped focusing on all that could go wrong and started focusing on all I needed to do to make sure things came out right. Once my view on it shifted, I knew so would my future.

How do I shed my past self?

                                                                               I ran.

I left everything behind me. Everything I'd known, cared for and methodically built. I ran from all of it. Because I could feel my lungs get heavy with every breath I took to try and make okay the fact that everything stayed the same. That I was running in place. That I didn't know how to stand again after being torn down so many times. It was masochistic, insane. So I left. I ran from all the things that had brought me down, all the things and people I had to succeed in spite of. I'm tired of resiliency, all I want is peace. You can call it cowardice or bravery. If this world has taught me anything its that one is as true as the other. We see what we want to see of ourselves and what we want to believe of others. Its the only way most know how to deal with the turmoils that are accompanied by reality. But no matter how you label my actions all I know is that I could no longer bare the life I'd been living. so I ran.


Now I'm at my destination and happiness is not as attainable as I believed. I'm still left asking myself; How do I begin again? I need to make a change, yes, but how? Wasn't uprooting my life enough? I'm here. What steps do I take? where do I go? who do I talk to? My soul is so tired, I'm not sure I can do this by myself. I don think I can do this being myself. This self. Maybe the change of scenery alone wasn't enough. Maybe its me, maybe its time I be who've always needed me to be. Who ever she is.


Because I'm tired of bleeding for others and using my compassion as a form of self-destruction. I'm tired of pouring myself in to ungrateful, insatiable voids and calling it love. Tired of persisting through unforgivable acts in the name of unconditional support. My soul is so tired. It's hard to see how best to take advantage of this new opportunity. I've been surviving for so long I have no idea who I am now that I have the chance to reinvent myself. But this silence has only taught me to scream, to run without an idea of where I'm headed, to question everything to the point where I'm not sure what resonates with me anymore. To see that for the first time I can be who I want to be not who Ive been told I am. And I have no idea what to do with that.