Autumn

The air swerved around me getting gradually colder with every step I took, with every inch that the sun sunk and the shadows and darkness grew. Autumn likes to toy with you I've noticed. It'll chill your mornings to the point that you can barely get out of bed, tempt your afternoons with a little bit of summer while you stare out the office window enviously and then freeze you out at night while slowly dwindling anything green, anything alive.

For a society that's so afraid of their own mortality we sure love to see the beauty in death I thought as I walked every day watching the trees around me slowly grow yellow and orange, watched while they danced for the last time in the wind as they fell all around me. Passed the storefronts cheerfully decorated with everyone happily welcoming fall. I can see the appeal of this new season, the way everything cools out and that nip in the air that magically slows everything down. I wish more of us could use the same perspective of accepting and appreciating the way a season expires and transforms in to another. Instead of seeing death as an ending we'd be able to see it as part of a natural cycle, an evolution, the next step.


There's so much more you can appreciate when you take fear out and focus in the wonder and beauty of a moment, of the stage you're in no matter how simple or how common it may seem to be.   

One day a wish becomes a decision

I was sitting in my living room in an apartment that I loved in my hometown of San Juan in the enchanting island of Puerto Rico. When the sunset started and that was my queue. Like clockwork I took the leash and went to walk my golden wired haired dog, Rowdy. We went through the streets we'd walked a billion times walked up and down the board walk next to the beach as we'd done every afternoon since I found my independence. The brine dancing and reflecting the rose colored light as I took it all for granted while I kept going through all the problems and stress at work, money issues, the state of the island and how if I wanted to have any sort of stability or future like I'd envisioned for myself I simply couldn't afford it and I didn't know when or even if I would at some point. Which made me loop right back to work, work problems and money problems and so on, indefinitely. In other words, yet another day in a millennial's head. As I'm dizzy from the loops and waves of my thoughts pulling me under, one of the last rays of sun caught my eye and brought me back to reality and for the first time in about 10 minutes I breathed. I looked at the horizon, the water, smelled in the salt, felt the breeze blow and heard the trees around shush my thoughts for a second and just a second was enough for me to acknowledge that this was an amazing part of my life. It really was. I had everything I had wanted and now as any normal person I wanted to move to the next part of my life but that was my issue. I kept trying to break that barrier kept trying to make something work that just wouldn't. I was at my wits end because I had literally tried everything I could think of to try and achieve that next stage but every time there'd be a road block, a hard stop and I was running out of ideas and quite frankly motivation. And then a familiar thought came up "what if it hasn't worked here because there's more for me out there" a thought I'd have about a trillion times I have the pinterest boards as evidence. It was usually after every break up, every bad day and it certainly was one of those something's "I will definitely for sure do" but just "much later". But "what if much later was finally now?" and for the first time in the million times that I'd gone through this thought process I found myself full of energy, nerves and excitement and I thought "Yes, I need to do this. I need this now." and I stopped focusing on all that could go wrong and started focusing on all I needed to do to make sure things came out right. Once my view on it shifted, I knew so would my future.

How do I shed my past self?

                                                                               I ran.

I left everything behind me. Everything I'd known, cared for and methodically built. I ran from all of it. Because I could feel my lungs get heavy with every breath I took to try and make okay the fact that everything stayed the same. That I was running in place. That I didn't know how to stand again after being torn down so many times. It was masochistic, insane. So I left. I ran from all the things that had brought me down, all the things and people I had to succeed in spite of. I'm tired of resiliency, all I want is peace. You can call it cowardice or bravery. If this world has taught me anything its that one is as true as the other. We see what we want to see of ourselves and what we want to believe of others. Its the only way most know how to deal with the turmoils that are accompanied by reality. But no matter how you label my actions all I know is that I could no longer bare the life I'd been living. so I ran.


Now I'm at my destination and happiness is not as attainable as I believed. I'm still left asking myself; How do I begin again? I need to make a change, yes, but how? Wasn't uprooting my life enough? I'm here. What steps do I take? where do I go? who do I talk to? My soul is so tired, I'm not sure I can do this by myself. I don think I can do this being myself. This self. Maybe the change of scenery alone wasn't enough. Maybe its me, maybe its time I be who've always needed me to be. Who ever she is.


Because I'm tired of bleeding for others and using my compassion as a form of self-destruction. I'm tired of pouring myself in to ungrateful, insatiable voids and calling it love. Tired of persisting through unforgivable acts in the name of unconditional support. My soul is so tired. It's hard to see how best to take advantage of this new opportunity. I've been surviving for so long I have no idea who I am now that I have the chance to reinvent myself. But this silence has only taught me to scream, to run without an idea of where I'm headed, to question everything to the point where I'm not sure what resonates with me anymore. To see that for the first time I can be who I want to be not who Ive been told I am. And I have no idea what to do with that. 

I moved...now what?

                      So, you moved.

You spent months researching and looking up information. Studying the job and rent market.You felt like a local before you even got there. You finally have your apartment, a job and at least know your way back home from the places you tend to frequent; like the grocery store. You've been on survival mode for so long putting out the little fires that inevitably happen with the unpredictability of ,well, life that you don't even notice the little things. You're just running on auto pilot until one day suddenly, you wake up, light coming in through the window, pouring on to a room you've barely had the chance to make your home.

Yet you stare at the bare walls and smile as they remind you of the blank canvas you've just given yourself in life. For the first time in months you are able to think and not react, to enjoy instead of solve a moment, and that's when you say to yourself "Now what?"

And out of the corner of your mind comes that voice, the one that pushed you to this, that nagged till you left the comfort zone. The one that belongs to that person you've always wanted to try to be, that you've finally given a chance to be and she says more clearly than ever:


                                                             "Now, we color that canvas."
 

Here and there...

                                                         *crunch* *shift * *crunch* *shift *

The sound as I walked in the snow on my way home from my stop is a one that no matter how long I've heard and will continue to hear this winter still makes me smile every time. Its so peculiar. Like that of wood creaking or a rock skipping over a frozen lake. The first time I heard that strange kind of whooping sound made as the rock skids over the frozen surface I had to immediately do it again. Just to make sure I'd heard it properly.

Snow in Denver is a little stranger than I expected though. Everything is so dry. Actually much of everything here is nothing like I'd experienced before. Every little detail about this city and its weather, its brick buildings, its amazing, scenic, breathtaking views no matter where you look, all, I never expected. I didn't ever think I'd fall in love with Denver as fast or as hard as I have. But my pedal is on the accelerator and for the first time in years I'm willing to commit to something.

However this whole moving experience hasn't been as quixotical as it may seem. Leaving my country, the only way of life I've known, has been much harder than the excitement would have let me expect. And it all started even before I had left.

There's just this weird thing that happens when something is coming to an end. Suddenly that place or person isn't as bad as it seemed just yesterday. Suddenly all you can remember are the good things that happened, all the good experiences you had there or with them and then the doubt sets in. Its like you're brain is high jacking your heart and confusing it so you'll stick to the known and play it safe. Its a very dangerous instinct that was instilled in us from a very young age out of love that makes us stay with in the comfort zones. Like being practical is not a bad thing, not at all, but it can hinder a growing, evolving soul.

Some days I have to tell myself this more than others. Some days my bones yearn for the warmth, sounds, smells and peace you can only find back home. Peace transmitted via the sun shining through your lids, the smell of brine in the air, the warm wind caressing your face. Some days I walk down the snowy white frozen street, hands in pockets, smiling to the sound of the snow.

   
     I'd love to hear how other's have been adjusting. If you'd like to share as well, leave me a comment!

Moving: First steps to take. (lifestyle post)

Making the decision to move is one usually made for many reasons but when broken down all those
reasons have the same birth place and that's the hope for something better. Whether it's to turn that long distance relationship in to a new beginning, for a better job opportunity or simply your stale life needs a change before you join the 27 club. We all move to move on. And yes, sometimes life needs you to be quite literal.

So, first things first. you need to save up if you haven't already! Depending on where you're going you need to make your budget to cover your airbnb or extended stay where you stay the first weeks, food, your usual bills like phone, plus the apartment fees (remember you'll have to factor in extra in fees if you have pets).

Next step is to decide where you want to go! Seems simple enough but trust me, once you get into it its not. Here's what I suggest. Choose at least, 3 places you'd love to go and obsessively research them. Research is essential. Consider places you have family or friends. Already having connections there and coming in with a support system is truly helpful though not necessary. Do not however just focus on the highlights of a place you wanna choose places where you can see yourself living in, making a life so think of yourself as already there and ask yourself does this place have the things I need to make sure I enjoy my time in this new city. Are you the outdoorsy type? or do you prefer the hustle and bustle? take all of that into consideration. Once you've chosen a few good places now its time to narrow down the options with reality. *shivers* ugh, Reality.

Now that the romantic side of the research is over you need to get in to the nitty gritty. Look up living costs for the places you have on your list. Find an average for the type of apartment you like in the area you want to live in, it is essential that you stick to the places you like though so research the neighborhoods well and in depth and find one that plays in to your needs for example will you have a car? how much will you rely on public transit and is it close to stops or the light rail? do you like the quiet suburbs or are you looking to live downtown where you can go out and have more of a night life? perhaps the type of job you do will mean you'll work downtown do you wanna deal with that commute? be realistic. Where you live is an essential part of how you experience that city. once you have an average on rent think of all the other things you may need! For example do these apartments typically include utilities? can you keep your phone carrier? will you have to add international so you can keep in touch with people back home? Or maybe you're a gamer? If so, look for good reliable internet as if you were going to live there and search actual costs do this with everything and once you've considered all your unique expenses make a place in your budget for going out and one for "unexpected expenses", because life. It doesn't have to be a lot but what you can that goes in to savings if you didn't have a need for it that month (lucky you).

When you know how much you need to make a month then you start looking for a job knowing how much is the minimum you need to get paid to survive comfortably. I suggest you open an account with Glassdoor, yes they spam you with jobs and that kinda sucks but they have reviews and most importantly will most of the time have the pay for the position so you'll know what places you can apply to which will fit your needs. And suggestion, only apply to these jobs so that no matter who calls you, you'll at least know it'll be a good job for you. This process will help you choose the best city as well because your job opportunities will depend on the unique market in that city at that time and you'll want to apply to places you have a strong background in to up you chances. So this will typically be the part where you will be able to determine which city best fits your lifestyle and needs.

 Once you have the ball rolling and are getting calls for interviews try to get as many of them as you can all on the same week and take a vacation week off of your job to go interview and explore the city. If you can get an airbnb close to where you were thinking of living even better. That way you get a real feel of the place before you commit. And there you go! that's the very first steps I took to moving cross country and an ocean to the beautiful city of Denver. I hope this helps someone. Sorry that it was such a long post but I wanted to make sure I'd cover all I did. Still thank you for beating with me. I'd love to hear about your plans or experience as well! Leave a comment!!!